It's that time of year again. The month I always wish we could just skip over. I would love to wake up tomorrow morning and find that it's April. Just the act of turning the calendar over to March brings up all the feelings I keep thinking I'm past. And I realize I'm not as far along in my healing process as I thought I was.
Tonight, as I met with a group of amazing ladies who have lived through all kinds of pain and hurt, I realized that I've held onto more bitterness than I had allowed myself to admit. Eleven months out of the year, I'm able to move on, able to feel joy and fulfillment. But for one month every year, I feel pain and hurt and resentment and unforgiveness ... and I allow myself to wallow in those feelings. And tonight, I was convicted about that. I realized that all those feelings add up to bitterness. I tell people all the time that I don't feel bitter, and I've believed my own words. But if I'm allowing those feelings to control me for even a few days each year, then I really haven't allowed God to carve that bitterness out of me.
Tonight was an "ouch" moment. One of those moments where God removes your blinders and allows you to really see into your own soul ... and it's not pretty. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to let go of those feelings anytime soon. There's a part of me that doesn't want to. But I know I need to. Bitterness only hurts me. And I do want to continue to grow as a person.
I've already seen what's on the other side of my hurt. God has given me blessings on top of blessings. But apparently, I still need to let Him do a lot of work in my heart. Probably not going to be pretty. But it's necessary.
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