Mother's Day 05/13/2012
Mother's Day is such a mixed bag for me. And for many others, I'm sure. These days, I am so thankful to get to celebrate the day with my munchkin and enjoy all the benefits that go along with being recognized as a mom. But it's also another reminder of the babies I don't get to hold. It's a bittersweet feeling every year. I honestly didn't think of those losses until after I arrived at church this morning. And, as always, God so faithfully stepped in and reminded me how blessed I am, despite the pain of the past. Our pastor has been doing a series on "Doors". And, rather than do a special Mother's Day message, he continued on with the series. Today's message was on ridding ourselves of discontentment and learning to be satisfied. Not your typical Mother's Day message, for sure. But exactly what God knew I needed to hear today. Each day I choose whether to walk in discontentment or to be satisfied with what I have. I choose whether I am a victim of my circumstances or walk in victory and power. It's such a relief to not have to worry - I have a God whose power is enough. I don't need to carry the burdens or circumstances of this life on my own. So, as we worshiped our big God, I laid all the pains of previous Mother's Days at His feet ... and thanked Him for the blessings that He continues to shower me with. So grateful. 2 Comments Great is Thy Faithfulness 03/21/2012
Yesterday, I was in a funk. Not gonna lie. It was a rough day, emotionally. Thank goodness for people who pray and love me, because that's what got me through. But I was still fighting those emotions as I went to bed last night, really not wanting to go to that dark place, but not sure how to keep myself out of it. God is so good. He saw where I was at last night, and this morning, He reminded me of my "theme" song. It's the song that has always been mine, always reminded me of all He is and all He has for me. I actually had a friend write an arrangement of this song that I walked down the aisle to at my wedding. Little did I know then how much more the words would come to mean to me over the years. As I was getting showered and ready for my day, the words to one particular verse kept running over and over through my head. It may be an old-fashioned hymn, but the words and the meaning are just as powerful today as the day it was written. And they reminded me that God is still God, even on my hardest days. So I began to sing these words out loud. And, as I did, I could feel my outlook change. As my focus became who HE is and what HE has done, I was able to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was reminded of His great promises, which I can cling to, even in those darkest moments. So I just wanted to share those words with you. I hope they bless you as they did me. Pardon for sin and a strength that endureth Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me Great is Thy faithfulness Great is Thy faithfulness Morning by morning, new mercies I see All I have needed Thy hand has provided Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me Jesus is Here! 03/11/2012
This picture hangs in Matilda's room. My sister gave it to us the first Christmas after we lost Morgan, in her memory. I remember taking a quick glance at the picture and then putting it back in the box and ignoring it for months. I loved it, but it was too hard to look at. And it wasn't until I pulled it out of the box months later that I noticed the little girl had wings. And she looks exactly how I picture Morgan would have looked at this age. I can't believe now how perfect this picture is - so grateful to my sister for giving us this amazing gift. So it has hung in Matilda's room since the day she was born. But this week, she actually noticed it for the first time. She's in the stage where everything is a question. And she asked me, "Mommy, why is that picture in my room?" So I explained that it was a gift from Aunt Katie. "But who is that little girl?" I had to stop and take a breath and really think for a minute. Because we have never really talked to her about Morgan. There have been mentions here and there, but we have never explained to her what happened, because how much can they really understand and handle? But I decided it was time to start talking about her sister. Very weird and a little hard when it's not a natural subject. But she has started to realize that other people have brothers and sisters, so I knew she would understand that concept. And I very simply explained to her that she has a big sister who went to heaven to be with Jesus, and that this picture was our reminder of her. She pondered that for a minute, then said, "But Jesus is here in my room!" Sweet girl. She asked a couple other questions, but once we talked about how Jesus is everywhere, she was completely fine with the whole idea that she had a sister who was playing with Jesus. I know that won't be the end of it. As she gets older, there will be more questions. But seeing her reaction to the news, this crazy information that has consumed our lives for the past 5 years, was another step in the healing process for me. I knew it would come, and I'm glad it has. And how freeing to hear a 3 year old's perspective: "But Jesus is here!" The perfect reminder, as always. Jesus is right here, right now, and there is nothing to worry about. As Romans 8:37-39 says: "None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing - nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable - absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." My past, our past, no longer has reason to faze us ... because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. Time to Celebrate 03/03/2012
 I have spent the last two days knowing I needed to write something new. But I haven't been able to narrow down my thoughts and emotions to figure out what that something was supposed to be. And knowing it's been a year since I posted anything here, I know that there is a lot to my journey that I could talk about. So I am literally sitting here praying for wisdom, clarity and the right words, even as I type this. This past year has been one of intense, amazing personal growth for me. A little over a year ago, Carl and I embarked on a mission to get our bodies healthy. I thought I was just going to be losing a few pounds. Little did I suspect that God was going to use my weight loss journey to bring emotional healing, mental clarity and spiritual growth. As the pounds melted away, I began to realize that I had been hiding behind my weight and using it as a shield and an excuse. I avoided a lot of social situations because I hated the way I looked and felt. I withdrew and didn't interact with others except when I felt I had to. And I used food to numb the pain I felt inside and to avoid dealing with it. However, over the past year or so, as I've analyzed these patterns in my life and dealt with them, it has brought so many other things to light in my heart. One of the many things I have realized is that I needed to complete my grieving process. I know that I will always carry Morgan in my heart. She will never be forgotten, and these feelings and processes I've gone through will never be forgotten. But I know that it is time for me to move on to the next part of my life and not let the past dictate who I am or what choices I make. I have been blessed with some amazing friends and mentors who have really been helping me walk through this process. If you don't have someone that you can be completely vulnerable with, I encourage you to find someone that you can trust to be real with. I never understood how powerful this could be until just the last few months. There are so many things that I don't see about myself. But someone who holds me accountable and speaks the truth to me in love can help me dig those things out that need to be dealt with. There have been many deep, emotional conversations, especially over this past month. There have been tears. It's not easy to deal with these emotions over and over again. It's not fun to dig the ugly stuff out of our hearts and release it. But wow, is it freeing. One of these friends challenged me a couple weeks ago to change the way I view this time of year. Their advice was to take an afternoon, a day, whatever it was and just deal with all the emotions that go along with remembering Morgan. Feel the feelings ... then make a conscious choice to move on. And not just move on, but to choose to celebrate again. I have long dreaded the month of March. I've talked about that before. And I'm tired of dreading this month. This friend urged me to change my focus from the pain of the past to celebrating the life my daughter did have. To make this month a true celebration of not just her presence in my life but a celebration of the changes, the growth, the hope that the experience of having and losing her have brought about in my life. And to then share that hope forward. What better way to celebrate Morgan's life than by giving someone else the gift of hope that I now have? And as hard as those words were to hear ... they resonated deep in my soul. I knew it was time. I made a conscious choice that this year was going to be different. And you know what? So far, it has been. I actually woke up on March 1st with anticipation and joy. I looked forward to the day, because I knew it brought me opportunity to share hope and joy with those who needed it. I still shed a few tears before I went to bed that night. But they were tears of thankfulness. Thankful for what God has done in my life, what He's allowing me to do, and the lives that He's allowed me to impact. Thankful for the many blessings that have come my way these past 5 years. Thankful for the amazing people He has placed in my life who have helped me grow and become a better me. Thankful for the freedom that only He can bring - freedom from my past and the chains that have held me to that past for too long ... but not anymore. Now is a time to celebrate. And that is what I am choosing to do! Not as far along as I thought 03/02/2011
It's that time of year again. The month I always wish we could just skip over. I would love to wake up tomorrow morning and find that it's April. Just the act of turning the calendar over to March brings up all the feelings I keep thinking I'm past. And I realize I'm not as far along in my healing process as I thought I was. Tonight, as I met with a group of amazing ladies who have lived through all kinds of pain and hurt, I realized that I've held onto more bitterness than I had allowed myself to admit. Eleven months out of the year, I'm able to move on, able to feel joy and fulfillment. But for one month every year, I feel pain and hurt and resentment and unforgiveness ... and I allow myself to wallow in those feelings. And tonight, I was convicted about that. I realized that all those feelings add up to bitterness. I tell people all the time that I don't feel bitter, and I've believed my own words. But if I'm allowing those feelings to control me for even a few days each year, then I really haven't allowed God to carve that bitterness out of me. Tonight was an "ouch" moment. One of those moments where God removes your blinders and allows you to really see into your own soul ... and it's not pretty. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to let go of those feelings anytime soon. There's a part of me that doesn't want to. But I know I need to. Bitterness only hurts me. And I do want to continue to grow as a person. I've already seen what's on the other side of my hurt. God has given me blessings on top of blessings. But apparently, I still need to let Him do a lot of work in my heart. Probably not going to be pretty. But it's necessary. Being Thankful 11/24/2010
As I was putting my little girl to bed tonight, we were praying together and thanking God for all the blessings we have. I thanked Him for Matilda ... and then I thanked Him for Morgan. I thanked Him for the 9 special months I was privileged to carry her inside me. I thanked Him for all those kicks I felt, for getting to feel her have the hiccups, for experiencing that crazy feeling when she was rolling around inside me. I thanked Him for getting to hear her little heartbeat and see all her parts as she grew in there. I thanked Him for the honor of being called her Mommy. And I thanked Him most of all, because I know I will finally get to meet her and hold her in Heaven. I thanked Him for taking care of her since I can't. I thanked Him that someday she and her sister will get to play together and hug each other and love each other like sisters do. I thanked Him that she's perfect now in every way and will never know the pain and suffering we know on this earth. Despite the pain I've felt and the tears I've cried ... more than anything else, I am truly thankful for every moment I had with Morgan. Every single second. I am thankful for the memories I carry in my heart. And I am thankful for the healing that God has given. I am thankful that He has shown me true joy again. I am thankful that, because of Him, I have true hope. And I am thankful I have the freedom and opportunity to share that hope with others. HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL! I know, I went AWOL there for a while again. I think I may have warned you that would happen occasionally. Sometimes, the emotions are just too fresh, and I find I need to set them aside for a while to deal with the life currently in front of me. I think this summer was one of those times. For whatever reason, thinking about Morgan was just too much for me to deal with. Guess that's confirmation to y'all that I'm definitely not a superwoman when dealing with my emotions. Even though it really does get better, the loss is always there and can be brought back to the surface at any time. I have been trying to figure out what triggered my emotional avoidance recently. And I was reminded of something that happened earlier this summer. We had Morgan cremated, and her remains are in an urn that is in a safe, inconspicuous place in our living room. Someday, we will create a memorial spot in our yard and bury the urn. But, for now, it is in our living room. As I was dusting the living room a few weeks ago, her little urn slipped from it's spot. I watched in slow-motion horror as it tumbled to the floor. My heart was in my throat, and my stomach just lurched. All I could think was, "That's my baby. That's all that's left of her, and I've just destroyed it." Mercifully, the urn landed intact, with no harm done. But even knowing it was safe, all I could do was sit there and sob at the thought of losing that last physical part of her that I have. And as I sat there, from deep within my spirit, I heard God speak to me. I didn't hear an actual voice, and the skies didn't part to reveal a glorious vision. But I knew that it was Him speaking to me. All I could hear in my heart was, "That's not all that's left of Morgan. She is whole and complete and perfect ... and I will continue to hold her close until the day you can finally be reunited with her." And I wept some more. It was just the reminder I needed that she lives on. This life is only fleeting, momentary. Whether we live for 90 years ... or for 9 months in the womb ... it is gone in a flash. But the important part is eternity. And the promise that my girl will be there to greet me someday when I arrive in heaven ... often gets me through the difficult hours. And, even with that promise resounding in my spirit, I have still not wanted to confront those emotions these last few weeks. So these pages got neglected. And I am truly sorry for that. I am still learning and growing in this process of grief. I will try my hardest to be even more transparent as I go forward. Thank you for bearing with me. I hope this little moment in my process will help you as you continue to heal and move forward. I truly pray it does. I wouldn't change a thing 07/14/2010
I know, that sounds weird and sort of awful. But it's true. Now, if I had been given a chance BEFORE it all happened to choose the ending, I wouldn't have chosen the path life has taken me on. Who would actually choose to go through that kind of pain? No one that I know! But I also know that God has a plan for every stage of our lives. Don't get me wrong. By no means do I think that God "took" my baby from me. God is not mean or vindictive. But I know it is all part of the journey He is taking me on. And I know He loves me. I felt His love during those darkest hours of pain. And I'm starting to see glimpses now of what some of His plan may be for me. If Morgan had lived, Matilda might never have been born. I know I've talked about that before. Such a strange catch 22. I wouldn't have chosen the way we came to get Matilda ... but I wouldn't change a moment of my time with her. And I believe that God must have big plans for her life. I am excited to see how that unfolds. I would love to have even a few moments with Morgan. I'd love to hold her again, see her take a breath, see her grow up. But I truly wouldn't change a thing, because it was another step on my journey to here. And here isn't even the final destination. There is still more story to write, and God has more plans for me and for you. My journal 06/22/2010
I found the neatest journal shortly after finding out I was pregnant again. It was a mother's journal and had room to chronicle the entire pregnancy. There was plenty of room to write notes to my baby-to-be, as well as spots to write down all those firsts that happen throughout the pregnancy. I wanted a legacy to leave this new child. And there was a part of me that wanted the memories "just in case." All the memories I had of Morgan were pregnancy-related. I will always wish I had documented every moment of that pregnancy to hold on to and cherish. Unfortunately, I never wrote a single word in it. At the time, it just seemed like life got away from me. I was busy with work, family, friends, dozens of doctor's visits. The truth is, I just didn't make time. In retrospect, I think I was afraid to fill it out. I think there was a part of me that wanted to preserve myself in case "it" happened again. I was afraid if I invested too much of myself in this pregnancy and things went wrong, that I would never recover from it. I was afraid of inflicting further pain upon myself. I wish I had managed to push past that and write in that journal. I will always regret not keeping those memories on paper to share with my little one. And you know that time steals away those "little" memories, things that seemed so huge at the time. It's already a haze, so many details I don't remember of the actual pregnancy. It's something I will always regret. So, if there's anything I can encourage you to do during your time of pain, it is to put yourself out there anyway. Don't let self-preservation rob you of promise for the future. Whatever it is that you're not doing because you're too afraid ... do it! Push past the pain and do it. Grace and peace 06/18/2010
If I told you I never worried throughout that pregnancy, I'd be a total liar. Of course there were moments where I wondered, "What if?" There were days I didn't allow myself to think about what came after that 9 months was up ... because I couldn't imagine a happy ending after what I had gone through. However, this pregnancy FLEW by. As I look back on it now, it was a blur of staying busy, getting ready, and practically living at the doctor's office. And it was a season of peace. So many people prayed for us and for this unborn child. I could feel the prayers, and the result of those prayers was peace. While there were those moments of panic and worry ... there were more moments of trust and peace. I knew God was in control, and I just knew He had a plan for this child. While I still wish Morgan was here, with every fiber of my being ... I doubt we would have gotten pregnant again so soon if she had lived. And that would mean I wouldn't have the daughter I do have now. And while I don't subscribe to the theory that God "took" Morgan, I do believe that He worked through those circumstances to bring about the place we are now in our family life. And, so, I know He must have big plans for the child He blessed us with so soon after Morgan went Home. Knowing that brings me more peace, even now. And it makes me thankful for the prayers of so many that helped get us to this place ... and thankful for a God of grace, who brought us through and gave us hope, even in the middle of our darkness. |
RSS Feed